Why does it seem so hard? Why does it seem so tough?
Why can't I see myself? Why can't I hear myself? Why can't I feel myself? Why can't I touch myself? Why.. do I feel numb? Why am I drowning in an ocean of questions that I can't even answer? Why is everything around me chaotic? How do I make my own storm calm down? The storm in me that waited for years, is now enraged, that every night is a nightmare.
How do I stop hoping? How do I stop trusting others? How do I.. love myself again? How do I get to know myself again? Is distance from others really is the solution that will end all of this? Will I be able to find the door that will lead me to a place so bright? Moonshine.. how do I stop loving others? How do I gain back all the love I gave away?
How do I.. end this crisis? Once and for all? That I would be able to see, hear, feel and touch myself? How do I swim and answer all these questions that's keeping me drowning? Why am I like this? Why do they keep leaving me?
Moonshine, please tell me.
What's the problem with me? Why do people leave? Why is there no one destined for me? Why can't they stay? Why can't they just be with me that we'd all be happy, forever? What's wrong? Am I too dark to touch? Am I too dark for them to stay? Who is my light? My sunshine? When will she come?
Why, how, and when, Moonshine?
Your letter holds questions, questions which we, as you said yourself, cannot answer. I might suggest a different thing then, and that is to step back from the questions. Sometimes we get stuck in a loop and all we can do is take a step back and see where all things fall.
When these questions fall, perhaps we'll see which ones go together. You have many questions about yourself. You have questions about how people treat you. You have questions about love. Perhaps, we can narrow all the questions down to this: Who am I and how do I love myself? Because all the other questions about other people caring, loving, leaving - perhaps there is no way of answering them right now. However, if you learn to know yourself and love yourself, perhaps those questions do not even need to be answered. Perhaps you will have what you need.
The tricky thing is that the answer to "who am I" will not be short. It will be long and arduous and will take time to form. You will hear the answer not just from mental monologues, you will hear it as you go about life - but you have to learn to listen. You will hear it in a snippet from a conversation over soggy french fries. You will overhear it in an exchange between friends in an elevator. You will see it as you observe hands holding, others, or yours. You will see it as you watch a beautiful scene unfold on a screen. You will not find it by staying still, you will find it by living and allowing it to unfold within and without you.
Your questions are good and tell you what you want to know, but do not let your questions become walls hemming you in. Let them instead point outwards to the experiences that may eventually answer them.
And once the answer to "who am I" begins to form, that then is the time you can begin to answer "how do I love myself?" Or perhaps it will grow together. Know yourself, truly know yourself, and perhaps love will also grow. We often think that falling in love is reserved for romance and others. But my hope is that as you get to know yourself, that you will also discover that you can fall in love. May you learn to listen to the minute movements of your breath, like you would a lover. May you learn to read and cherish your own feelings in your body, just as you would a lover. May you learn to hold yourself and give yourself warmth and reassurance, just as you would a lover.
And when you learn that, Jim? Perhaps, perhaps the questions will fall and fade, and all that will be left is you and love and love you can give freely.
In Love and Truth,